Boldly Choosing Childfree: Luis Octavio Refuses to be "The Bad Dad"
And helps family and friends shift their perspective when they feel "behind" on life goals
How are you enjoying attending DIGüey University? To recap the takeaways from the first two lessons, which you can catch up on with the links below:
There have been at least 7 pearls of wisdom shared by our guest Luis Octavio:
Don’t wait for that special occasion to set up your table.
Don’t be afraid of color (and not getting your deposit back).
Everything doesn’t need to (and shouldn’t) match.
The “aesthetic” can be “I don’t care, I just love it.”
Do what you have to do to survive, and hopefully it’s something you enjoy.
If you see a need, you’re allowed to be the solution.
Don’t be the crab in the barrel holding your community back from aspiring for more, even if you’re scared it won’t work out.
As we dive into how Luis realized he is childfree, the situation is complicated by his partner’s desire to have kids. How will that work out?
***Trigger warning for unaliving oneself***
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The Realization Luis is Childfree
Paulette: Let's talk about how you don't want kids.
Luis: Listen. Los niños me desesperan un chingo. Me desesperan muchísimo. (Translation: kids drive me crazy, so desperately crazy.)
When I first started thinking about going to the university, I was in junior high school and my parents being near-newly arrivals to the USA, of course they were like, you have to go to school. You have to go to school, get an education. But they couldn't tell me what kind of careers were out there except for maestro, abogado y doctor (translation: teacher, lawyer, and doctor). Which are the most common.
Paulette: And some of the hardest!
Luis: Some of the hardest. You're absolutely right. So I was like, well, I don't really think I wanna be a doctor. It doesn't really do anything for me.
A lawyer, you have to be reading all the time. And I only want to read things that are interesting to me. Not that I have to. I have to read in school and it's not something that I enjoy.
So I thought maybe I want to be a teacher. When I was in high school I started interning at the local library to help teach kids, tutoring. And I learned that I had no patience for kids whatsoever. No patience.
I would get kids trying to teach 'em math. And I would be like, "so if you have five apples and three went away, how many are you left with?" And the kids would be like, "well, where did they go?"
And I was like, “are you serious?” Obviously those little kids are super smart, right? Because they're thinking outside of the picture. That's beautiful.
But I would come home so frustrated. And I think that that's when I realized that having kids, it's not something that I feel myself wanting. I think that if it happens, it happens, but it's not something that I want. I think more consciously, it's something that I definitely don't want to be a part of because I don't have the patience.
Even my nephew now, I can only stand him for so long. He's nine years old, and he's rebellious and too cool for school. And I'm just like ugh!
And I especially hate when kids speak in this very chiqueado (translation: whiny) tone. Ugh! When my nephew started talking like that, I was like, “no! Bajale no vas hablar asi. Habla bien.” (Translation: no, stop it! Speak properly.)
There's so many things that bother me about kids and I'm like, maybe I shouldn't have kids. Pero si han llegado a mi vida niños (translation: but I have met kids) that are what I think in my mind, what kids should be. That they speak proper. That they're like, “oye disculpa te puedo molestar con taca taca ta.” (Translation: excuse me, do you mind if I interrupt with xyz?)
Paulette: They have manners.
Luis: Yeah, and I think that that has to do with the parenting, right? Obviously that can't be easy either. To be able to teach your kids [to] have manners, speak right. Blah, blah, blah.
But I have bumped into those kids. And when I do bump into those kids, I'm like, “ay asi si me gustaría tener un hijo, you know?” (Translation: that’s the kind of kid I’d like to have.) But I also know that it's probably very difficult to be able to get your kid to do that. So for that reason, I think that I don't.
When Your Partner Wants Kids
It’s interesting that Luis’ partner does want kids. That’s usually a deal breaker in relationships. Clearly, not in this one. And Luis uses the example of their dogs as to why it wouldn’t work out for them to have kids.
Yes, I know it’s a cliché that childfree people have pets instead of animals. But his example makes sense. Even to a non-pet owner like me. 😝
Luis: My partner wants to have kids. But we have two dogs. And conmigo (translation: with me), all I have to do is like, "Pulgoso bajate de ahi!" Se baja. (Translation: Pulgoso, get down from there! And he gets down.)
My partner will be yelling and screaming and shouting at the poor dog. And the poor dog will not listen to him.
And so I'm like, “you see, this is why we're never gonna have kids: because I am not down to be the bad dad all the fucking time. You can't even control the dogs. I already see if we do have kids, that they know that you're the one that they're gonna get away with like everything and anything. And I'm gonna be the bad dad and I don't wanna do that.”
I don't want to be that. To me, kids are not something that is up there on my accomplishment list.
Paulette: And more power to you for recognizing that and saying it out loud. Especially for Latines, that there's that expectation. It used to be like, “oh, you're gay, you're not gonna have kids.” Now there's no barrier to that. I mean in some people's minds there is, but fuck them. So yes, you are still open to those bingos. It's like, well, ¿cuando? ¿Y cuantos? (Translation: when, and how many?)
Luis: You know, my family doesn't say ¿cuando? They don't, because I think in their mind, they probably are thinking [we’re] not gonna have kids. It's probably very, very true. But for me, I just feel that there's so many things that have to align in order for me to even consider the possibility.
There's just so many, so many, so many, so many, so many things. So, I think for me it's not an important thing. It's not gonna break me or make me.
Sister Faces Regret
Here Luis helps his sister realize that the grass isn’t always greener.
Luis: But I do have this conversation with my sister who's gonna turn 30. And she went with me to Mexico. But a week before that, she went out with her high school friends and all of them have kids that are eight years old, nine years old.
She came back and she was very bummed. And she was like, "you know, the conversation was different. Their kids are now older, they're young moms."
She really got in her head about, “what if I'm not a young mom?” Como que si ya mañana se le acaba el mundo (translation: and that would be the end of the world). And I was like, "listen, first of all, of course they're gonna have a different conversation because now their life is devoted to their child."
"I'm sure that when you were talking and when you were saying things, they were probably also jealous because they didn't get to live their joventud (translation: youth). Out of all of them, you're the only one that went off to college. You're the only one that has a career. You're the only one that doesn't have kids and can get up and go at any time. You're going to Mexico next week for a whole five days. People who have kids, can't always necessarily do that."
It’s The Patriarchy’s Fault
In case you missed my 3-part essay fueled by the patriarchal myth that childfree people hate kids, catch up here.
Luis: So, I think that society also needs to take a chill pill in regards to how they say things like, if you get married, "so when are you guys having children?"
That's none of your business! You don't know that maybe they've been married for 1, 2, 3 years and they still don't have children because one, they choose not to. Which is great. Two, how do you know that maybe they can't have children and now you're putting this burden on them and making them feel like shit? It's none of your business!
Are you going to ¿mantener a esta criatura? (Translation: are you going to help raise this child?) Are you going to help them fucking babysit? It's none of your business, so you shouldn't put that burden on these people.
I think our society is at fault for many people having children and thinking that they wanna have children when in reality…listen, my sister came back so rejuvenated. Meaning, she was like, "I'm glad I was able to do this. I know that I would not have been able to do this with children."
My younger brother couldn't come with us because he has his child. And he couldn't find somebody to babysit him. Neither or is better than the other, we just need to learn to respect our decisions and our choices.
Paulette: Thank you! That's all I think that people who don't want children are asking for!
If more people recognize that we're all on the same side, we're all on this planet together, there would be less tension around that. And your sister wouldn't have to feel bad that she is 30 years old with a thriving career and a thriving life, but something's missing because she's not like her friends who made different choices.
*Trigger Warning*
Luis: It's important to be aware of this because recently a really good friend of mine confessed to me that they don't want to have children.
And my reaction was, “congratulations. I am happy for you. I know that this decision wasn't easy because society teaches us otherwise, but I am so happy for you. I am so glad that you were able to say, I am making this decision of not having children and güey, that is beautiful.”
And she nearly cried because she was like, “this the first reaction I get like this. Everyone else, every other close friends is, ‘are you sure?’”
Paulette: Ay yai yai!
Luis: Güey it's not like she's saying, “I'm gonna commit suicide.”
Paulette: No, it's not the same thing!
Luis: It's not the same thing! So why are you asking ‘are you sure?’ Are you sure you want to live or die? No!
Paulette: The reverse is never asked. What if we turned that around on people with the pregnancy announcement, “are you sure? Are you sure you wanna do that?”
Luis: Another one? Don't have enough? ¿Con estos tres que tienes? (Translation: with these 3 you already have?)
Paulette: But our society normalizes the idea that the more the merrier. Turn your friend onto this podcast. I have lots of people she can take examples from of lives that are thriving.
Porque una vida más chévere (translation: because your best life), it's about the choices you make. And if she needs support and she needs to help find community around that, we're here for her.
Luis: Gracias, I will definitely turn her onto the podcast for sure.
Final Lesson: Take That Risk!
Paulette: Well, Luis, is there anything else you would like to share with us? You have been a font of wisdom today around the DIGüey, around living your best life, around setting up a life that, that you can be proud of, about the struggles.
Thank you for being honest about the struggles that you faced, because I think a lot of what people show of their lives to the public is just “the clean” and pretty parts.
Luis: First of all, thank you for inviting me on your podcast. I know that I'm the second male or male identifying person on this podcast. And I really appreciate that because I know that as a podcaster you have a vision, right?
And so I'm honored that you would think that your audience would enjoy having me on. Entonces por eso Paulette, muchísimas gracias (translation: and so for that, Paulette, thank you so very much). I really, really appreciate it. De todo corazon (translation: with all my heart) and and thank you.
Don't take your space for granted. I don't take this space for granted, and really, really happy that I'm on here. If there is one last and final piece of advice is that life is too short. Do what pleases you.
And the road to get there may not always be the easiest. It may take you a year, two years. For some people it takes seconds to blow up and be what they want to be. But that doesn't mean that you can't get there.
It doesn't matter your age. I am going to be turning 41 years old this year, and I still feel as young as when I started working at 17 years old. I'm still full of ideas!
[It’s] not always gonna be easy because you have society to help you bring you down. And you have society to help remind you that what you're doing is wrong and that what you're doing you should have done when you were younger. But it is never too late!
I have seen it happen with older folks. So as long as you have your health, that's all that matters. Because without your health, you're not going to be able to do anything. So have your health. As long as you have that, then you're able to accomplish everything and anything that you want.
It's never too late. If you're listening to this podcast and you're like, “pero pues ya ahorita a esta edad” (translation: but now, at this age?), I don't even know how to use social media. It doesn't matter. Start somewhere.
Just take that first step because cuando te mueres (translation: when you die) or when you are agonizing or thinking you're gonna die, or you're on that deathbed, you're really gonna die, not because of the old age, not because of that enfermedad, that terminal disease.
What's gonna die first is your soul. And what's gonna happen is you're gonna think back through your life and you're gonna be like, “I should have kissed that boy. I should have asked this. I should have jumped off that cliff, I should have, et cetera, et cetera.”
So don't allow that moment when you come to the end of your life for you to start thinking of everything that you could have done when you were alive and well. Do that now. Take that risk. And when you're listening to this episode, take a risk right now when you're done listening to this, whatever that risk may be.
It doesn't have to be big. I'm not saying go fucking bungee jumper, go skydive, or go take a travel across Europe. No, I'm not saying that. I'm saying let's start small.
So when you go through that drive-through or you go to that restaurant and you think somebody's cute, go and tell them. Or you love their nails, or you love their earrings, or you love what they're wearing, let them know.
"Hey, I love how this looks on you. It looks beautiful." Because you're gonna make their day, and that is gonna be the beginning of you taking risk.
Because I promise you, you are probably one of those persons that only thinks about it and doesn't do it. And if you're that person, just start doing. Take that small step, it's gonna feel amazing.
Paulette: Take that risk! Oh my God. We just found the title for this episode.
Luis: Take that risk!
DIGüey University Lessons Recap
The first 7 lessons were:
Don’t wait for that special occasion to set up your table.
Don’t be afraid of color (and not getting your deposit back).
Everything doesn’t need to (and shouldn’t) match.
The “aesthetic” can be “I don’t care, I just love it.”
Do what you have to do to survive, and hopefully it’s something you enjoy.
If you see a need, you’re allowed to be the solution.
Don’t be the crab in the barrel holding your community back from aspiring for more, even if you’re scared it won’t work out.
In this episode we had a few more:
Jealousy will make you overlook your own accomplishments
Sometimes the unconventional choice is the right one for you, but not necessarily all your friends
Society needs to take a chill pill. A person’s procreation choices are NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS—even if you agree with it.
Find your community
Don’t live a life regretting the small risks you could’ve taken today.
So after coming this far, what tiny risk will you take today? Leave it as a comment below.
Get this episode in your earholes on any podcast platform or listen on Apple