Childfree but...maybe?
The nuanced grey area of "maybe"
This week’s guest on La Vida Más Chévere de Childfree Latinas considers herself childfree but there’s an asterisk. Childfree*, if you will. Where the * redirects to “if it happens, it happens.”
And we need to talk about it. Because this is a common in-between space between established parents and ardently childfree people that is all too often ignored or misunderstood.
People who teeter between wanting kids and not wanting kids are commonly called fence sitters. It sounds uncomfortable. But is it?
People are allowed to change their mind, in either direction. We’re hoping the mind shift doesn’t go from “I want to be a parent” to “oh hell no!” AFTER the child is already born, since that’s bad for everyone.
And that’s part of the discussion Ana Lopez and I had, which is saved here for you Super Cheveritas!
You can listen to it in its entirety or read the interview below. It’s been lightly edited for print.
Ana’s Childfree Journey
Let's talk about your childfree journey. Was there one or did you just know?
I like vividly remember the last time that I had this thought. For some reason I used to sleep in my living room in my little maroon sleeping bag. And I was like, "I wanna have two kids. I wanna have a boy and a girl."
But that was actually my mom's voice. I'm one of 12, but my mom specifically has two kids. She has a boy and a girl. And she always told me about how she wanted a boy and a girl. She had me when she was 39, almost 40. That was a story that she always told I really wanted to have a girl and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
And I think that was just playing in the background of my mind, echoing in the back of my head. That was really the last time that I remember thinking, “oh, I actually wanna have kids.” When I went into high school I remember being more more verbal about it.
“Oh, actually no, don't wanna have kids. Not interested.”
The Caveat
All too often childfree people feel compelled to assert that—contrary to popular belief—we don’t hate kids. Obviously some people do (some of those people also, sadly, happen to be parents.) Here’s Ana’s assertion:
I absolutely love kids. There's currently 40 in our family, and [I’m] so obsessed. Love 'em. They're great! I worked with kids most of my jobs before this one. So I adore children.
[But] I'm a Capricorn. I'm into my career. I'm into money. I love spending money on the children in my life. I also have like several godchildren, obsessed! But I wanna send 'em home. I like my alone time.
[When] I met my current partner—we've been together for, ooh, almost five years I think. This year it'll be six—Anyway when I met him, he really wanted kids and I'm like, actually, you know what? You don't know if you can have kids 'cause you've never gotten anyone pregnant. And I don't know if I can have kids 'cause I've never been pregnant.
So now I'm at a point where I'm open to having them. And also I would be totally fine if we didn't have them. That said, my priority is my health and my partner's health.
So if that's not okay, guess what? We're not having kids. And if he decides that he wants to move on to have children, then that's what it is. I'm not gonna hold that against him.
But yeah, I enjoy life. I experience pleasure. I think a lot of people have children because they think that they're gonna experience pleasure by having that. Which sure you might. I enjoy having the kids in my life around me, but that doesn't mean I have to have them.
And I think that a lot of people experience—I see this a lot on TikTok—they see a cute video or like a funny video of a kid and they're like, “oh, now I have baby fever!”
No, because you are thinking one, that this moment happens 24/7/365, which is not true. But also, that tells me that you don't know how to experience pleasure because you're like, “oh, that's what brings pleasure.” Not pleasure is something that is created by me.
I can enjoy the video in the same way you can, but I can walk away and be like, “yep, still don't want kids.” Or I'm still okay not having them. So it's not even necessarily that I don't want them, I'm just okay not having them. And like at this point, I'm 36, so like the clock is ticking. But I have other priorities. Myself is my priority.
Dating While Childfree
It's very interesting how you're with a partner who does. So at the beginning of your relationship, that was an accepted situation.
That was one of the first things that he asked me and I said, no. And for a really long time I really wanted to adopt. And then I was like, you know what? The process is too complicated. Don't wanna do it that bad. And he actually said if we do adopt, I would prefer to have our own biological children and then adopt.
In that case, if it's you and me, we are not adopting together because I don't think you as a person should be adopting because you hold that belief. So okay, if we're gonna be together (and we are still), then we're not gonna adopt.
I entered into the relationship saying that I didn't want kids. He thought that I would change my mind, which I guess in some sense of the word I have, because I said I'm open to it.
That said, I do have prerequisites. He smokes. I said, “you have to stop smoking before I get pregnant, and it has to be for like six months.” So there's that.
“If you don't stop smoking, guess what? We're not having kids.“
Also, my prerequisite for myself is that I'm at a certain health status. I've been working through some like chronic pain stuff in the past few years, and it's gotten a lot better, thankfully. But I'm not putting my body in that position. That doesn't make any sense.
And it might be dangerous for the child. You don't know. Obviously labor is painful anyway. But if you are a person that experiences chronic pain and then also putting yourself into labor, that kind of stress can't be good on the baby. And chronic pain during pregnancy also can't be good on the baby.
So I'm very meticulous about the circumstances with which I'm willing to have a child. And if they are not met, then so be it. My partner knows that, and I've come to terms with that may mean that we break up and, I'll be sad. Sure. But I can't blame him.
If that's what he truly wants, then okay. If he wanted to, I don't know, move to Japan or something for a career, it would be the same thing. I would be okay with that. I would be sad of course. Because I wanna be with him. But I know that I'm like good on my own. He doesn't create my pleasure for me.
And again, it goes back to that. Yes, he is a great addition to my life. Love him to death. Obviously I've been with him for almost six years now. But it's not the end all be all. And children aren't the end all, be all either.
I think for a lot of people, that's what it is. And a lot of people are having children that, this is gonna sound harsh but, shouldn't have had children in the sense that they had it for the wrong reasons. Anticipating that it was gonna create something for them that it didn't.
Agreed! I think people who have these discussions that you and I are having about the true pros and cons list, for lack of a better term. I don't want to boil it down to that. But those of us who think through all the potentialities, all of the ways things can go left right, and center when introducing a new life into a relationship, into the world, I feel like we have thought that through so much more intensely than people who just grow up thinking, “I want a boy and a girl.”
Because that's the messaging they've been taught is the right way to do things. And if that were true, there wouldn't be so many children who are abused, neglected, or made to feel like they shouldn't be here. Because the person who is in charge of making sure that they're taken care of and raised properly, either didn't have the right tools, wasn't mature enough, didn't have the introspection, didn't realize that pleasure comes from within whatever reasons
I don't think that people who have children give it as much introspection as people who don't. And I think that we are much better equipped to even create other boundaries in our lives because of this one.
Now you're saying that you may have walked it back a little because you could take it or leave it at this point in time, but you're allowed to change your mind.
That's the other thing, that as childfree people, we also need to be open to. That just because someone has said for a very long time that they're childfree, they can change their mind and that's okay. However, for everybody listening who's like “childfree people change their mind all the time!”
No, they don't.
And that shouldn't be the expectation. It is one of the outcomes that may happen, but like anything, life's a huge gamble. Believing that having children is a guaranteed path to happiness is a guaranteed path to disappointment.
And I think that it's a conversation that has to be had.
To hear the rest of this conversation, check out the latest episode How to Have Sex Sin Vergüenza with Ana Lopez on your favorite podcasting app, or
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