The Power of Boundaries: How Jamie Crafted her Dream Childfree Wedding
How saying 'I Do' to creativity and embracing the non-traditional was the ultimate stress relief for this couple
Jamie and her husband had a childfree wedding. Was there drama? Of course! Because weddings are somehow a catalyst for all kinds of family drama.
We can deconstruct why that is in a future episode. In this one, we’re examining what compromises Jamie and her partner were willing to extend in order to maintain her boundaries and have the wedding they wanted.
If you want to know more about Jamie and her childfree coaching, scroll to the bottom for the episode links (it’s also on YouTube!)🔽🔽🔽
The Wedding
At first Jamie thought she wanted a slightly larger affair than her partner’s suggestion of a super simple courthouse wedding (Ed note: I had one of these and I highly recommend it 😁).
Jamie: And the more we thought about it, the more I realized that I had a couple of family members who would bring inevitably drama and stress and I was afraid that they would ruin the wedding. And so I went from thinking a little bit bigger on what I would like to saying,
How small do I need to make it so that I can avoid inviting these people without too much family drama?
Basically, how can I just make it be this is the policy versus me having to single out particular people? Which would've been, [on] multiple levels, so much more drama with all my family members if I had pulled that.
And then of course I had to think, what is important to me? What do I want to focus on? Make sure I include all of that.
We settled on a wedding that would be about 20 people. And the way we got there was we're gonna invite our immediate families and everyone is welcome to bring a guest. And then both my husband and I would each have one close friend to witness it.
And that was the extent of it.
So that meant that there were some people really close to me, like a few aunts and uncles that I adore who helped raise me, who were not on that list. That was the downside of it. But on the plus side, I knew I could have a wedding free of some really challenging stuff and keep it to a group of people that would just make me feel, supported and loved and have the vision that I had of my wedding come to life.
The other side of that was okay, and then we'll have a reception, and the reception will be big and the reception will be our opportunity to invite everyone that we want to include, and we will invite these other two people. And it's okay if they bring some drama to the reception if they decide to come, because we will have had this lovely, intimate wedding that we were happy with.
That's sort of the big picture of how we structured it.
The Wedding Reception(s)
Immediately following their intimate 20-person wedding, the couple had a small private reception followed by an evening camping with friends. The following day they had another much larger party inviting everyone who didn’t “make the cut” for the ceremony.
Notice how Jamie plainly states that it was okay for drama to happen at that gathering because by then, the important part—the ceremony of unity—would have already happened. And since it wasn’t the same day, whatever drama might follow would be separate from the actual wedding.
This is so smart. And something I also highly recommend doing, if you can swing it!
And what a reception it was!
Paulette: Was the reception immediately following the ceremony, or was it a separate day?
Jamie: It was a separate day. We created a little bit of space. Ultimately, this made it less stressful, too, which was lovely.
We were on a budget, and we didn’t necessarily want most of the traditions that people often have. We wanted creativity! We’re both very creative people, and we asked different friends and family members to contribute in various ways.
We invited probably 150 people. It was closer to 100 or a little bit less than that who actually attended. Singer songwriter Danielle Ate the Sandwich planned an East Coast tour around our wedding. She did two sets.
And we had activity tables with all sorts of things. There was one you could use Muppet masks and take photos. There was a dino dig table, Legos, and we didn’t even have to create these. We basically set my husband’s sister loose, knowing us and knowing the things that we cared about, and she came up with all these tables and handled the decorations.
And different family members brought stuff, did stuff, decorated for us. It was a giant potluck. Everybody brought something. So you can imagine there was just so much food. [A] friend who’s a baker contributed a cookie cake. It was just a lovely thing.
And because of that setting, the problematic person (one of the two) decided to come, and it sort of took care of itself. There were people there who were able to handle that person and it was never an issue for us, luckily.
The other person was so slighted by not being invited to the wedding that the two of them refused to come to the reception. So that was their choice.
But there was obviously a lot of drama in all of that and I had to practice saying no a lot and holding my boundaries around what I wanted leading up to it.
I would still do it again the way we did it, in a heartbeat. It did work for us.
Setting Wedding Boundaries
Setting boundaries in and of itself and then holding firm to them is damn difficult. It’s one of the hardest but most important skills a person can develop! And it’s also a common topic on La Vida Más Chévere. Check out these two episodes for more on that:
Perfectionism and Childfree Latinas: The Ivy League School Dropout
Don’t forget that being childfree is a really healthy boundary too! Which Jamie talks about below:
Paulette: You said in your email that you had to really practice saying no and holding your boundaries. Did you have practice leading up to that with having those hard conversations? And were you comfortable with boundaries or is this something that you actually had to learn as you were doing?
Jamie: A great question. I think this was sort of early in my journey of boundary setting, in a lot of ways. When I was a kid, I was a contrarian in a lot of ways. When I was little, I didn’t really realize it was possible to not have children, but I knew I did not like babies.
So for as long as I can remember, I had an arrangement planned with my mother where she was going to raise my children until they were able to talk to me and tell me what they wanted and then I would take them. There were things like that where I was kind of setting my boundaries, like setting my preferences and if I really believed something, I did hold my ground.
But I also had a lot to learn when it came to boundaries. Thinking I needed to say yes to keep the peace. And my early adulthood, I started to have to figure that out. So I would say before this, I didn’t have a lot of bigger practice with this. I think when I got firm on my stance that I would be childfree, that was part of when it started.
And my husband and I also at a certain point realized we wanted to live more simply and kind of work toward maybe a tiny house or something like that. We wanted to be a little bit more minimalist. And so that meant setting some boundaries around gift giving with family members. So I think that we had just kind of started to have those conversations.
Paulette: You mentioned how being childfree for you is a boundary, and I talk about that all the time. I love that idea, because yes! It’s like a real thick line between what we want and what we won’t do.
So you’re a life coach. As you’re coaching other childfree people, do you also discuss how that’s a boundary for them? And does that make it easier for them to understand and create new boundaries?
Jamie: It definitely does. I think the decision to be childfree is a beautiful practice of getting clear on what you want and then learning to get comfortable asserting yourself around that, in a world that is not accustomed to that, not built for that, doesn’t necessarily know how to handle it.
And we can teach people what it is to be childfree and why it’s okay. When you choose this path, it’s harder in a lot of ways, but of course, if you know that raising children is not for you, then it’s easier in a lot of ways. So it’s obviously worth the effort to hold that boundary.
Boundary setting, it ends up spilling into all areas of your life, right? As you get comfortable saying no, you can make improvements all across the board and it starts to happen almost on autopilot. As you get more clarity on what you want and get comfortable asserting yourself and get comfortable taking the comments from people, learning to let it go, right? Having some sort of mindfulness practices, or whatever you need to run it out, to let go of whatever’s come at you and over time take on less of it. Right?
I’m me and I have my own needs. I have a right to choose my own way in the world. And as long as it’s not bothering other people, hurting them in their own life and their own journey, people don’t have a right to make those decisions for you.
Paulette: 100%. And for anybody whose immediate response here would be, but I’m hurting my parents, no. I have an episode on this called No One Is Entitled to Become a Grandparent [retitled Challenging the Grandparent Entitlement Mindset with Rosalba Fontanez]. Because you got to put your own oxygen mask on first.
But I love the talk around boundaries and how planning this wedding, you really had to say no a lot. And that’s hard because weddings are so emotional.
Back to entitlement, people feel entitled to have opinions and demand that their input is heard and that the way that they traditionally do things in their family or whatever is the way that you have to do it. So kudos to you. And nine years later, here you are, thriving, loving life, still in love with your husband, living the good life, living la vida más chévere. So tell me more about your coaching practice and how people can find you.
Jamie: I help childfree women, and other people who speak my language, but mostly childfree women to figure out what they truly want. So that could be time to pursue an old dream, a new career or hobby or travel, and make it a reality. And of course, if they already have the clarity, then I help them figure out how to do it.
I also offer mental fitness training. I’ve been doing that now for over a year. And that’s an amazing tool to help you to accomplish what you want, but do it with less stress, to do it with less fear, to be able to actually accomplish your goals and be happier and healthier and all of that in the process.
I’m really big on believing that everybody deserves to create a life that they love and they don’t need to live a conventional life if they don’t want to. So I really am honored to help childfree women to bring their goals to life and have the support that they need to be able to do that.
Contact Jamie through the show notes.
This interview has been slightly edited. For the full interview, check out the links below. And if you’d like to submit your childfree wedding story (dramatic or not) for an episode, click pauletteerato.com/childfreewedding to get started.
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