5 Signs You're in Desperate Need of Self-Love
Stop ignoring your body's messages and level up your self-love by looking out for these red flags
We’ve all heard of red flags 🚩🚩🚩in relationships. But have you ever considered that maybe you’re already in a toxic relationship…with yourself???
Happy Self-Love Sunday! Today we’re tackling red flags. But before we jump into it, I need your input. Self-Love Sunday was originally only going to last through February, and today is the last Sunday in February. But I’m considering sending it out monthly.
Would you want to continue to receive these Sunday missives? Weigh in on this poll below, voting will be open until next Saturday.
Back to the most important relationship you’ll ever have: the one with yourself.
While we’re designing our best lives, it’s not unusual to pour energy into cultivating healthy relationships with friends and loved ones, creating and respecting each other’s boundaries. But we also need to give that same time and attention to ourselves.
It’s really easy to forget that this relationship is important too. Which is why there are so many products geared towards your self-care…but buying them isn’t going to fix your relationship anymore than having a baby fixes a marriage. 🙄
We covered this in the last episode of LVMC: Self-Love Essentials. Capitalism (and The Patriarchy) wants you to buy shit to “fix” yourself, but the real work starts on the inside of YOU, not the inside of the mall (or Amazon).
What are the red flags we should watch out for—and what should we do about them? Successfully overcoming these toxic patterns is going to require a good hard look at yourself. And introspection is hard. Confronting bad habits is hard. But you’re not scared of hard work, so let’s look out for these 5 red flags (plus a bonus!).
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Red Flag #1: Ignoring Nature's Call
Do you ever just “hold it” till you’re about to burst? Take that bathroom break!!
Ignoring your need to pee (or poop) because you’re too fixated on a task (or worse, just too lazy to put the phone down for a minute) isn’t merely a bad habit. It’s actually physically harmful and can lead to UTIs, enlarged bladder, pelvic floor problems, or even constipation and fecal impaction. 💩
It also sends a clear message: your body's needs aren't a priority. The most obvious, and easiest, way you can put yourself first is to simply use the bathroom when you need it. Stop holding it in!
Green Flag Fix: If you’ve lost the ability to listen to your body's subtle cues around urination/defecation, then start setting reminders for yourself. Use the technology in your hand and program some reminders to go off throughout the day. Add them to your calendar if you need to, so that you remember to prioritize these breaks as essential, not optional. Treat yourself like a VIP, not your worst enemy. Your body and mind will thank you for it!
Red Flag #2: Silencing Your Grumbling Stomach
Hunger is not a suggestion, but we can thank our fucked up diet culture for this next one. Your body needs food for fuel, it’s that simple. Denying it fuel is as silly as driving a car on empty. The car simply won’t move, so how can you? And yet how many of us skip meals, try to power through just on coffee, or grab convenient foods that are probably useless nutrient-wise?
Talk about a recipe for disaster!
Ignoring your hunger leads to lack of energy, irritability, and difficulty concentrating. Those Snicker commercials are right, we all turn into monsters when we’re hungry! Not that a Snickers should be the go-to solution, you do want to eat food that fuels you properly (not just through a sugar high).
But a well-fueled body is able to sustain its energy and leads to a happier brain (and a happier you!).
Green Flag Fix: just like the red flag above, putting your meal times on your calendar will help you to prioritize them so you don’t end up with lunchtime conflicts. Planning meals and keeping healthy snacks available also works, but make sure those snacks are something you’ll actually enjoy. There’s no point in carrying around a handful of almonds if what you really want is a banana. Plus you’ll get fiber from the fruit, which also helps with keeping you regular 😏
Be sure to also start paying better attention to your hunger cues. Especially because sometimes when we think we’re hungry, we’re actually thirsty. Keep that water bottle nearby and stay hydrated, mis amigues!
Red Flag #3: Trading Sleep for Productivity
Did you know that repeatedly hitting snooze is actually worse than you think? It’s not just wreaking havoc on your sleep, but it’s also signaling to your body that the promise you made to get up at a certain time was actually bullshit. It shows that you don’t keep your promises. But we’ll get to that.
Unless you’re a night owl whose work schedule is arranged around that, burning the midnight oil ain’t productive. It might feel like it is, but chronic sleep deprivation destroys your physical and mental health. Not only are you less efficient and more likely to make mistakes, your mood takes a massive hit. You become a different monster than the hangry one (maybe even combined if you’re skipping both meals and sleep–mega monster!). Not to mention you’re endangering everyone around you if you’re driving while tired. 20% of accidents in the US are a result of drowsy drivers. Don’t be that guy.
Green Flag Fix: Get to bed at a time that makes sense. Make up a relaxing bedtime routine, wind down, consider investing in a good mattress and nice sheets, then resist the urge to hit snooze in the morning. Instead, check out the next green fix. And remember: rest is required!
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Red Flag #4: Broken Promises, Broken Trust
Promises to yourself matter too. Constantly breaking promises to yourself (like skipping exercise or ignoring your morning alarm), undermines trust and respect for yourself. You should treat your promises to yourself with the same importance as your commitments to other people.
Prioritizing yourself is a skill that you probably haven’t been taught. Which is okay, because you still have plenty of time to learn how to do it. Think of all the promises you want to make to yourself, and concentrate on one at a time. Over time you’ll get better and be able to do it without thinking. Then you’ll be able to tackle the next promise with confidence gained from having already done it before.
Green Flag Fix: Start small and set achievable goals—and celebrate the small wins along the way. For example, if your goal is to get up an hour earlier but you can’t stop hitting snooze, then start by setting the alarm only 5 minutes earlier instead of the full hour. Work up to the ultimate goal by training yourself to wake up 5 minutes earlier each day. At the end of the week, you’ll have gained another 30 minutes!
This is substantially more realistic than hitting snooze 5 times in a row, and an easy win to celebrate. The goal is progress, not perfection!
Red Flag #5: The Inner Critic Gets LOUD
Y’all, self-deprecation ain’t cute! Constantly putting yourself down, comparing yourself to others, and focusing on your flaws is like having a personal bully in your head. That negativity breeds insecurity and steals your confidence. Not only is that nasty voice a bully, it’s a thief too!
In fact, if you really thought about it, you could probably name the person (or people) that inner voice belongs to. Why do they get to live in your head rent-free while you’re paying good money for your home? Evict them!!
Green Flag Fix: Did you know that you don’t actually need to listen to your inner critic? If all they do is bitch at you, and tear you down, you can put them in a time out! Imagine yourself lowering the volume on the voice, or changing it until it sounds like a cartoon. It’s much easier to dismiss a silly voice than a loud, emphatic one.
Take a cue from Navy SEALs and challenge the inner critic with an inner cheerleader instead. Check out episode #11 for more on that. And remember, everyone makes mistakes. So instead of dwelling on them, learn from them and move on.
Wow. That’s a lot of red flags. Plus there’s a bonus one below, if you’d like to upgrade.
If your friend told you they were ignoring their basic needs, breaking promises, and talking down about themselves, you’d immediately see the danger, no? So do the same for yourself. Since you’re kinda stuck with yourself for the rest of your life 24/7, your relationship with yourself is the most important one you'll ever have. Make it a healthy one.
If you notice any red flags, you have the tools to turn them green with a few simple tweaks and some reframing techniques. And then you'll be well on your way to building the positive and supportive relationship with yourself that you deserve. Remember, self-love isn’t selfish. It’s essential for designing your best life–tu vida más chévere.