Letting Go of Grandparenting Expectations: From Victimhood to Empowerment with Rosalba Fontanez
Letting Go of Grandparenting Expectations: From Victimhood to Empowerment with Rosalba Fontanez
How to embrace non-traditional grandparenting if you have childfree kids, and redefining the role of community elder
Continuing from where we left off last time, Rosalba (my mom) is answering questions from the childfree community for people who feel unsupported by their own parents. The questions we’re covering are:
How would she manage a situation with a parent who is upset because they had a vision of retiring and looking after the grandchildren and now it’s not going to happen?
What does her non-grandparent life look like?
She has great advice for parents who are finally realizing that their Gen X, Millennial, or even Gen Z children won’t be making them grandparents.
And she also explains how to redirect that energy for their own fulfillment, without subjugating their kids to outdated notions of “family.”
If you need to catch up, scroll to the bottom to read Parts 1 and 2. Or you can listen to the whole story in its entirety at Ep 5 - Challenging the "Grandparent Entitlement" Mindset with Rosalba Fontanez.
Paulette: For people who had it in their heads that they were going to be grandparents—that they envisioned this spectacle in their minds where they're retired and they have grandkids to play with—and that that's not going to be the reality because of their children's choices or circumstances, how do you help them through that? What can you say to them to help them let go of that idea?
Rosalba: Right. Well, maybe there’s a reason why they feel like that, that is embedded from the past in them. So, we would do some therapy to clear all of that (click here to schedule a session!) because really, you can become a grandmother to anybody. You don't have to have biological grandchildren, blood grandchildren.
My oldest son is my stepson and he was the first one who made me a grandmother. And I love those grandchildren as if they were my blood, but they're not. But there is no separation. Nothing defines that they're different because they're not blood. I love those grandchildren as my own blood, as the other two.
But that is my situation and I honor it and I'm very grateful. But if I didn't have any grandchildren, so what?
And this is what I would tell a person that feels bad about not becoming a grandmother: that this is the time of their lives.
This is the time that they can dedicate to themselves so that they can achieve and fulfill the things that perhaps they couldn't do while they were raising their own children. Look at themselves, take care of themselves. Do everything that needs to be done that you couldn't do before.
And do the crazy adventures. Take trips if you can. Do everything that fulfills you. So this is a time for you. This is the “me time.” You have done all your work. You were a young bride, you were a mother, and now that you are in you are approaching your elder years, it's time for you.
You don't have to have biological grandchildren, blood grandchildren.
Men and women go through this threshold to become the elders. Gray hairs are the crowns of your wisdom. So this is a time for you to dedicate, to polish, you; to fulfill you.
There's no reason that you should be thinking that you need grandchildren to feel fulfilled.
That's what history told us, and for some of us, that is wonderful. For some of us if we don't have grandchildren by any of our own children, that's okay. It is okay.
And if I didn't have any children, guess what? I would do all the things that I wanted to do when I was younger. And that would be probably travel the world, but also be of service to all those children that may need a grandparent figure out there in the world.
You can embrace and they can embrace you back, and you can receive that love to receive that fulfillment of becoming or playing the grandparent. It doesn't have to be blood related if you are coming from authenticity, from authentic love.
Most of my teachers and mentors don't have children because all of us students were their children. I have many, many children in community because I help in communities. I'm of service to communities. I share my work to better people's lives. And I'm talking about youngsters too. You know, those little, young people that need a grandparent figure.
So there's no end as how you can fulfill your own life.
But if you are going through life feeling victimized by your children not giving you grandchildren, that is not cool. And it's going to set you to go down a very adverse pathway where you feel unfulfilled, where you feel that your kids betrayed you. And this is all victimhood mentality. So it's coming from some wounds that occurred to you in the past.
And so I would say, look at those. Heal those and you will see that your perspective will change. And you'll stop harassing your kids about giving your grandchildren.
And, on the contrary, you'll learn to appreciate and be grateful for who they are and how they're moving in their lives. Again, not everybody was born to be a parent. That is the absolute truth.
Paulette: So let's talk about what your non-grandparenting life looks like.
Rosalba: I love reading. Nature walks, museum visits, and learning about other cultures. I get fascinated by other cultures by looking at people. And I realized a couple of years ago that all my life I was a people watcher, because I wanted to see people's behaviors and look what I do for a living, right?
So I also love to teach indigenous traditions to people, to keep those traditions alive because they do help us have a better chance at life. That's what I love doing, and of course, you know, hanging out with my family.
Catch up on the rest of the conversation with the posts below
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