Playing Childfree Bingo with My Mom Rosalba Fontanez
Normalizing being childfree
Childfree Bingo. If you’re not childfree, or don’t have childfree friends, you might be completely unaware that this “game” exists.
Childfree bingo sucks. It’s not a game we want to play, it’s something that happens when talking with virtually everybody who drinks the cultural norm kool-aid, until it’s brought to their attention how often these remarks are made, and how tiring and hurtful they can get. You’d think anyone with even an ounce of empathy would stop at that point. Or—better yet—never start.
If that were the case, though, we wouldn’t have a game to play!
As we draw this episode to a close, we’re going to discuss Childfree Bingo, my mom’s responses to bingos, and more about dealing with parents who insist on being grandparents in this lifetime.
For the rest of the conversation, scroll to the bottom of the post for links, or check out the show notes for a full transcript.
Paulette: There is something that childfree people are forced to play called Childfree Bingo.
And you know how bingo is? I-22, G-14. And you mark a place on your card. When it comes to childfree bingo, these are the things that we are told so consistently that it's like filling out a bingo card. We can predict that people will say these things to us if they disagree with our not having children. As if it's anybody else's business, first of all.
The common ones are:
it's different when it's your own
how would you know that you won't be a good parent if you don't have kids
why are you getting married if you don't wanna have children
who's gonna take care of you when you're older
you don't know true love until you have the love of a child
All these are all bingos because they're all so pervasive. Oh, the one I've been getting of late, and it only happens a few times because I think people know better than to question me on this is, "well, plenty of older women have children nowadays too."
If I wanted to have children, I wouldn't have waited till I was 44 to have kids. So in the face of that, for people who have to deal with that on a consistent basis, especially from relatives, what do you say to people who have to deal with that?
How would you arm people on both sides of that argument? How would you arm childfree people to better respond? And what would you say to the nosy relatives and people who think they have a place to say anything about it?
Rosalba: For the nosy people, I would say this: people mind your own business. Stop expecting your children to make you a grandparent. Have you thought about that they came to this world with a purpose and mission, that it doesn't involve having children? Respect their situation and decisions.
And then I would give them my card to come and see me for healing those outdated, horrible, patriarchal mindset belief systems. Because you can know love by not having children too, and I can teach you how to do that.
And for the young people that decided to go childfree in this lifetime: honey, set your boundaries! First of all, there's nothing wrong with how you decided to be, to embody and to do in life. Remember, you have a greater mission than a nosy relative saying dumb things.
And so for a grandparent: stop expecting your children to give you children because after all, the cost of living is really, really high. And there are too many children in the world that need our love. So go and get yourself a dog. You know, pets elicit unconditional love. So if you want to be in that situation, you don't necessarily need a grandchild.
But if you want to make another human being feel special, go to a place where you can lend your arms, your time, your caring to those children that need a grandparent. There are many ways to give your love, your grandparenting love.
Paulette: Can we talk about your favorite grandchild?
Rosalba: I don't have favorite grandchildren! For the thousandth time!
Paulette: His name is Chewy and he has a three-year-old dog.
Rosalba: Oh yeah, Chewy. Because my daughter is a photographer and I know better than to post children's pictures on social media, well, I can get away with Chewy. Other grandmas are posting pictures of their grandchildren. Well I post pictures of the dog. And Chewy gets me a lot of likes!
At this stage in my life, this little four-legged furry guy just opened up another dimension in my heart that was unknown to me.
That's what I'm saying. You don't need to have grandchildren to know unconditional love and the joy that comes from it. Because you give freely, it’s completely unconditional, completely authentic, and it comes from from the center of your heart. And how do you do that? Well, I have many practices to teach you that.
In a follow up discussion with my mom, I mentioned another bingo we get about how we're wasting functioning uteruses. Her take on that stupid bingo was enlightening!
Rosalba: But the womb is to create, it's a creative center. Where you create, and those are your children. You don't necessarily have to have babies.
Paulette: That's perfect because the last two interviews1 before yours, both women talked about their creative power centers. And one of the really frustrating bingos is you have a perfectly functioning uterus that you should use. But the answer is: we are all creative people, so we are using our creative centers.
Rosalba: Absolutely.
Paulette: Just not to birth babies.
Rosalba: Right! From the holistic perspective, guess what? Your uterus is not healthy and set for children. Now we know that the womb carries all the memories of years and years and years that came from your ancestors for thousands of years carrying the wounded emotions that every ancestor went through. So before anybody even thinks about having children get therapy and clean your womb of the ancestral wounding.
Paulette: The generational trauma. Which men carry as well, right? Despite not having a physical womb.
Rosalba: Absolutely. And, and for those people who don't believe in past lives, I honor you, but let me tell you: a man could have been a woman in a past life and still carries the luminous field of the uterus of that lifetime.
Also, we all come from the womb, so we all, men and women, carry all those that ancestral or generational trauma, yes.
Paulette: Well, mom, thank you so much for your time today. Thank you for sharing all of this, and on behalf of all of my friends and my childfree community, a lot of them expressed gratitude for you having this conversation. And for helping them work through these difficult conversations with their own parents, parents who aren't as supportive as you are. So thank you for that.
Rosalba: You're very welcome. And these were all very wonderful questions. So I hope I did leave you with a different mindset now. But remember: boundaries. Boundaries. Nobody, not even your sweet, old grandmother, is supposed to affect you by making you feel less than who you are.
You are here with a mission and a purpose, and it doesn't involve children, and that is okay. Let's normalize that.
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Interviews with Talia Molé and Ana Del Castillo can be found at the hyperlinks